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A blog a day keeps the demons at bay

This is the post excerpt.

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When I was younger, I kept a blog almost religiously. I thought about the future generations who would peer curiously into the prosaic reality of my thirteen year old life, musing over the improbable scientific theories we were taught, and wondering why we used mobile phones when implanted technology was so much better.
Then I got older. And one day… I just stopped. I still narrate my thoughts to myself the same way, and I promised myself every day that I’d put fingers to keyboard, palm to pen. Then even that lessened… so here is my last ditch effort to start again. 
Short & sweet, and totally unthemed around anything but what takes my fancy. I’ll monopolise this space to diarise, no compromise for readers or trolls. Maybe some poetry, and lots of instagram pictures for sure.

Let’s go!

Day 33: My Lucky Day

3 is a lucky number in Chinese culture. Is today my lucky day? Double luck?

Well, yes and no – had a wonderful sleep (the kind where you wake up and don’t ever want to move again because you feel so satisfied with your bed, weaving between dreams and shifting your pillows for the perfect plump.

I headed out early to meet Clare at South Kensington – we were nervous that we wouldn’t see anyone else or raiding for Zapdos when we saw a group of 10 or so near a statue, classic Pokemon stance. We rushed over to join them and it was fantastically easy from there: we took down gyms without a single Pokemon fainting! Sadly three Zapdos ran away from me, so I only caught two. Still, one was a rare “shiny”, so I still felt accomplished.

I then quickly peeled off to meet my old neighbour, Chess. She and I were in the same batch of Japan goers and lived next door to one another. We attended the Fashioned By Nature exhibition together. It was both inspiring and eye-opening: there seemed to be two parts to it. One was the designs and patterns drawn from nature and how we’ve derived a lot of fashion from the world around us. The other was how fashion is one of the most ecologically disastrous industries in the world (top five, if you wanted to know). I found it a little depressing and a renewed determination to buy only from transparent companies that don’t invest in unethical practices. It’s tough to make a difference when you don’t know about the origins of so many things – I had no idea denim was such a huge water waster.

The Biscuit Factory in Bermondsey was my next stop. Rather vainly, I was a little worried about my lovely nail art chipping, but it survived – my only injuries were tearing my pads on my hands, but what’s a blister or two? It was lovely climbing with I. and Magz. Magz had an accident last year where she ended up with a severed tendon in her left hand, so this was a good test! She’d also run about 8 miles to Bermondsey – no idea how she did it.

I’ve not improved that much at climbing (I’ve 8 passes left on a 10 pass I purchased last year, which shows how often I go) but it was fun. I wouldn’t mind going once a month or so, just to keep it up as a slow hobby (not a main one by any means).

We headed back to mine and got showered, and Ladies’ Night began. It was lovely – 8 of us chatting, watching silly YouTube videos (Magic Mike XXL!) and drinking prosecco. Lots of cheese, chorizo and cured meats was had. No hangovers? Win win.

Day 32: More than me is a crowd

It’s strange how many people are out even during the non-peak hours of the day. I went to get a hair consultation in Shoreditch (begrudgingly leaving my house) to see if my hair can even be dyed. There were so many people, masses and masses. However, I suppose it pales in comparison to Canary Wharf at 5pm – I had to get on around there and it was immensely packed.

Last night was lovely. I got invited to a penthouse opening as the developers own the same building that I rent – guess they just wanted publicity and numbers, and my parents and I went along. They love Grand Designs, so house viewings are a real treat for them. And I am very fortunate that my parents are so loving and generous – we had a really nice, supportive chat over tapas. It’s funny to think that my dad built up a business and has so much experience, because to me… he’s just my father. I’ve always tried to emulate his smarts, but I think I’m less ambitious. What’s lovely to know is that he supports me in that and just wants me to be happy. I don’t need to be a top CEO to do my family proud.

I cooked a little, tidied up (tomorrow I will be hosting a cheese and champagne night – mostly prosecco but the alliteration was nicer) and napped. I always feel so exhausted and demotivated these days – it’s quite worrying.

I need to get moving on The Grand Escape. Sunday will be dedicated to that after gym and yoga, I think. It’s so difficult when life gets in the way.

In the evening, I went over to SOAS for a volunteer event – helping outgoing JETs and a pub Q&A. Honestly, it was a little boring. There’s not much to tell them and a lot of it will just come from experience.

Sometimes

I feel like I don’t feel anything

They tell me let it out, what you feel, open up and let us in

Why should I trust you, my fairweather friend

I know you want to use it for your own selfish end

Don’t pretend like you know me, own me, I keep my own sin

Day 31: I don’t even feel like it today

So, my eyes are burning, but not with tears – tiredness. That ache behind the eyeballs where closed lids feel like a treat, and seeing is a torture. Some things blur, and you have to blink a hundred times to focus what’s around you into some semblance of sanity.

I am tired, physically. Less mentally, which is a nice change – I did things I feel GOOD about today. I ran through a few tasks, supported a meeting, helped at a school… things I care about.

Tomorrow I have off (or rather today because I am up after midnight) maybe I shall

Get some

Mojo

Day 30: One month down, eleven to go

Again, I awoke early and sleepless.

My parents popped over for dinner – or should I say, bought dinner with them, which was lovely. I had a chat with them

I’m so bored of writing this out at the moment. I live being scared of what’s happening next, most of the time.

Today: lots of meetings. I know what I’m good at, and what I’m not. It’s a shame that what I’m good at is not what I’m paid to do. I’ve been moved around so much that it feels pointless. I’ve got so much to learn – again.

On the bright side, I had a lovely meal with a colleague, Neesy G. She and I feel quite similarly about some things. We know what we need to do.

Saved but didn’t publish whoops

Day 29: Sleepless Nights

When you get home at 11pm, your perspective on time shifts. Most people leave at 5, and go out, have fun with friends. I had a day last week like that, and it was amazing. I met up with friends, we had dinner and I got home at a decent time. It was wonderful. Yet leaving at 10.30pm meant that I felt distorted when I got home – it takes time to settle in and get ready for bed. Some of my friends were already in bed when I was leaving work. If that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is.

I want to be useful, I do, but I don’t know if this is the right place for me. I’m good at projects, but not at spreading myself thin. It’s strange because once you let that out – things become easier. I stop pressuring myself to do everything from A to Z and getting everyone to love me.

I took things as they were today: made sure I went to Un1t, smashed all the requests made from my managers and kept them updated at all times on what I was working on. In fact, I did a pretty good job! I left at 7.30pm, which is my usual time… 11 hours there with a 2 hour break in the middle? That’s average for my company.

Small loves: I got a free coffee outside work from a new coffee shop. It wasn’t great, to be honest, but the baristas were lovely. I felt like I helped some of my younger colleagues, as well. We work in a strange place where you have to reveal a lot about yourself, and that’s hard. Especially when there’s things in your past that others aren’t qualified to deal with – I don’t think we should be messing with particular traumas.

Day 28: my age

Today I reach the number of posts that I have in years of life. I’m quite proud of it, to be honest! I haven’t blogged consistently in my 20s at all, so this is a good return to practice, even if it is filled with depressing stories and my whining at a not so hard lot in life.

I wonder how this week will go. I’m dreading going back to work but feel much more relaxed and calm after taking the weekend to myself. I want to do this much more often.

What have I got lined up ahead of me? A few dinners (save my wallet please) and seeing my parents. They’ve been gallivanting around the UK the past week. They deserve it, though – now that both my brother and I are salaried adults, they should do whatever the heck they want! I hope I’m half as amazing as they are when I reach my 50s.

—–

I’ve just left the office at 10.30pm – that’s what comes of taking the Friday off, I suppose. 過労死。。。I don’t feel too exhausted, but I know it’s not sustainable. I didn’t even get everything done that I wanted to. I’m in a new department, so of course there’s a fair amount of adjustment, but it’s pretty difficult keeping up with all the things going on. On the bright side, I had karaage and gyudon for dinner. We get dinner provided by the company if we stay past 7pm, which is fair enough since we’re staying late. I wish I had left, though.

What else is going on? I’m feeling fitter, and healthier. I’m still pretty bitter and morose, but time is a great healer.

A friend admitted feelings for me today, and said that if he were in the same country, he’d pursue me. I’m definitely not in the right place for that and plainly told him so, but it was brave of him to admit. I told him to just go for the opportunities he had in front of him because I certainly don’t want to hold him back and I can’t even think about romantic relationships at the moment. It’s flattering but also stressful – how do you handle things like that? Do you, can you remain friends? What’s a tactful but realist way to deal with things?

I realised that I’m going bouldering on Sunday. Goodbye my beautiful nails! Let’s see how they hold up under this ultimate test… I really hope they remain unscathed because otherwise that is gonna be an expensive hangnail. Shoutout again to the artist @kailinails on insta again for being amazing at her job though. If you think I’m shallow that’s coo’, you do you, but I feel really pleased every time I see my thumbs. It’s quite distracting when I type.

Kiki, do you love me?

Day 27: Sunday Done-day

Hm. Another week, and better routine. I forced myself out to the gym and yoga to keep myself healthy – I know that I feel better when those endorphins are coursing in my bloodstream. Or is that cursing? My muscles certainly feel like it!

I had a comment on this blog the other day, which shocked me a little. I assumed it was all bots – safe enough to keep me blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. It’s a little scary to remember that anyone could find this. What if future employers come knocking etc etc. I’m not sure I like that. But at the same time I need to keep myself accountable, writing. It’s not like I’m a secret terrorist. Was muß ich machen?

I dunno, guess I just gotta keep carrying on- stuff upper lip and all that? It’s hard to know what to do. I just stress cooked a whole bunch of vegetables so I’ve got food for the week, at least. It’s only 7pm but I think it might just be bedtime. After another episode of Jessica Jones at least.

I wonder if alcoholism is the bliss of not caring, or the horror of being sober again?